This past weekend the girls and I enjoyed a walk downtown. It was a sunny Saturday afternoon so we bought ice cream from a street vendor and then happened upon a street performer doing some acrobats. We were having a lovely time and there was quite a crowd accumulated to watch the show.
About midway through the performance I hear a loud voice behind me: “Get your finger out of your nose! If I catch you with boogers again in public I am going to…” I feel guilty, but I had to turn and look, and when I did it broke my heart. The “loud voice” belonged to a woman and the recipient was a pre-pubescent girl looking so ashamed. I am not sure what her mother or carer was trying to accomplish but she was clearly embarrassed. I am sure many others turned to look, as we were in a crowd.
Yes, the young girl probably should not be picking her nose at her age, but did she need to be called out in public?
I feel quite strongly about this: that we as parents and carers should try hard not to embarrass our children intentionally. I clearly remember having dinner on a few occasions at my friend Karen’s home, and out of the corner of my eye she would nudge one of her children gently to remove their elbows from the table. She would also gently remind them to use please and thank you without making a really big deal out of it. Karen and Brandon have four lovely children, all with great manners and sweet dispositions and I really admire their ability to grow their children up in love and grace.
I have caught myself with my three year old wanting to yell across the park “Zoe I can see your underpants! Pull your dress down.” But thankfully I didn’t. Even at the age of three she is susceptible to embarrassment and unnecessary shame and this should not come from her parents of all people.
I will recount a time when Lorne and I failed miserably at this and later that evening discussed it at length so that we might learn from our mistakes and tread more wisely in the future.
Zoe was playing with a friend one afternoon and we invited the friend (2 years older than Zoe) to stay for supper. This was the first time Zoe ever had a friend of hers join us for supper and she was elated. During the dinner, Zoe was distracted by her friend eating with us and she was not really eating dinner herself. We started encouraging her to take some bites and then we mistakenly threatened her: “Zoe, if you don’t start eating your supper, you will not be allowed to sit by your friend. You will have to come sit beside Daddy while you eat.” Zoe became very quiet and then quite red in the face and started to cry ~ she was soooo embarrassed. She is a very sensitive child. I realize that many of you won’t agree with me, or think that mabe I am being to liberal or gracious with Zoe. But in that moment, our daughter did not think “oh, I should eat my supper”; she felt and expressed shame.
After Zoe’s friend went home we talked to her and apologized for causing her embarrassment. I am not sure how much of that she understood, but I do feel like her trust in us was restored.
Zoe has since had friends stay for supper with us on occasion, and she has eaten normally. I don’t think this is because she “learned a lesson”, but because now it isn’t a novelty to have a guest of hers stay for dinner. It is not so overwhelming for her to eat dinner and enjoy the company of a friend.
Since then I have vowed not “teach my children a lesson” by embarrassing them. I don’t think it will be received well in shame. There are many other better ways of correcting your child.
I would like to share one more story of a parent embarrassing his child. Again, I couldn’t believe this was happening and I am still not sure why this parent thought this was the best way to influence his child.
This past summer we were at an amusement park in Colorado with our family. We had been taking turns taking Zoe down an alpine slide. It was my turn to take Zoe down and so we were in line waiting for the chairlift. Zoe was quite excited by the upcoming ride and we were chatting about it in line. Directly in front of us there was a Dad and his son (appeared to be about 12 or 13) also waiting in line and their conversation went something like this:
Son: “Dad, will you ride down with me when we get to the top?”
Dad: “It’s going to be fine, you have already gone once with me. You can do it yourself this time.”
Son: “Please Dad, and don’t go so fast this time. Can we go on the slower track?”
Dad: “Why do we have to go on the slower track? Can’t you hear that toddler behind us? She wants to go fast and look at you – you are asking to go slow? Grow up.” He laughs.
Son: “I guess I could by myself but will you ride in the track beside me? What if I can’t slow down? What if my brakes don’t work?”
Dad: “The people running the ride make sure the sleds all have breaks, don’t be such a scaredy cat. Come on, lets just go.”
During this conversation the Dad kept turning around to look at me and smile and chuckle at his son. I couldn’t smile back. His son was genuinely afraid and even Zoe asked “Is he scared? He will be okay, his Daddy will make him feel better.” But that was the sad thing, his Dad wasn’t making an effort to understand his sons feelings of fear and he wasn’t making him feel better. I guess he thought that his sarcastic tone would make his son realize “how silly” he was being about being afraid of the ride. But it wasn’t, and the son looked embarrassed and worried.
We never embarrassed our children when they were learning to walk? Why is it okay to do it later in life when it will cause even more harm to their confidence and trust in us?
I feel as though I could go on forever about this, but I will end it here. I think my point is clear.