In our early months as parents we took a parenting course at our local church and studied the book and parenting theory from “Shepherding a Child’s Heart”. I am a little hesitant to mention the book because many of the ideas I wouldn’t agree with right now but there was something that stood out at that time and has stuck with us as our children grow. The idea of focussing on the “overflow of the child’s heart” rather than just his or her behaviour. I think of this as focussing on helping our girls identify the attributes of their heart: what motivates them to do what they do. In the toddler years (age 2-3) we have been focussing on helping them identify attributes of their heart that we want them express like kindness, generosity, humility, compassion etc… We do this by praising them when they do something well like “that was good sharing” or “thank you for helping me, you served.” We also identify attributes that are hurtful and wrong when we say, “that was unkind when you hit your sister.”
Now that Zoe is approaching 5 years of age we are beginning to dialogue more about her feelings and trying to help her identify her motivations for her actions. For example today our girls were taking turns going down the slide. Zoe is stronger and faster than Selah and became impatient waiting for Selah to push off at the top, so Zoe pushed her. Instead of just focussing on the “pushing” or the behaviour, I pulled Zoe aside and we had a discussion. “Zoe, why did you push your sister?” “Because I wanted to go and she was taking too long.” “Zoe were you being patient or impatient?” “Impatient.” “Zoe it was unkind and impatient to push your sister down the slide. It was dangerous too because she wasn’t ready. Please apologize to Selah for being unkind and impatient.” Zoe apologized and then one more time, “Zoe and Selah, it is so important to be patient and kind with others.”
So yes it takes a lot longer than just yelling, “stop pushing your sister or you don’t get a turn on the slide.” And let me be honest, sometimes I do just yell and then I feel guilty. I do want to draw our daughters out and help them understand themselves better and to begin thinking about how their heart and their actions are so closely connected.
Now I agree, some behaviors must be simply guided such as manners, but even manners are to teach our children to respect other people and so respect is the root of what our children are learning when we teach them manners. It seems like the attributes of our hearts and their hearts are much deeper than just the behavior. There is a good website called Kids of Integrity which helps parents and families teach and practice attributes of Christ. I have not used the material weekly or in lesson form but it has helped me examine my own heart and it also gives good examples of teachable moments with your children. All of their material is also closely linked with Scripture.
I guess the hardest thing about this is not just talking about these attributes of the heart with my children but examining and dissecting my own heart and motivations. This is key to helping our kids learn these attributes because they are watching us. And I struggle and fail often in these areas. Part of it is trying to model kindness, generosity, gratefulness, compassion, forgiveness etc… The other important part is to confess our shortcomings and failures with our spouse, friends, and our children (when appropriate).
I am always encouraging my children to be grateful for everything – our food, our flat in Germany, our used bikes, our family, our friends etc… Recently I was convicted of my own ungrateful heart. When we moved to Regensburg this year we decided not to have a car here because it would blow the budget while Lorne is a student and I am not working. So we walk everywhere and I take my buggy with the girls to get groceries in rain, shine, or snow. We also take the bus many places. My heart has been ungrateful. I have been thinking how much easier it would be to get in a car and go somewhere, especially on rainy days and how I wouldn’t have to add an extra hour to my plans if we had a car. I realized that my heart was ungrateful and it was seeping out and affecting my family. This forced me to confess my own ungratefulness to my family and now I am trying to be thankful for a bus stop so close to our home, a double buggy that holds so many extra groceries, a kindergarten that is an easy walking or bike ride distance from home, and all this extra exercise I am getting. My heart is changing.
Proverbs says, train a child in the way he should go and he will not turn from it. I really don’t think manners and behaviour training alone is going to cut it. I hope and pray that loving and encouraging our girls to be compassionate, generous, kind, open, gracious and servant-hearted (to name a few) will go a lot further and these can be applied to all life situations as they grow and change. These attributes of Christ do not change but they change and shape us.