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I had took great pleasure in visiting Edmonton and catching up with some old but good friends recently.  I especially enjoyed chatting late into the evening with one of my friends about all aspects of life: faith, marriage, parenting, our children, health, education etc… It never quite seems long enough when we have time to talk and she always encourages me and opens me up.

One of the highlights of our conversation was talking about peer pressure.  We were sharing how it is sometimes frustrating when our children don’t want to adhere to what we think is normal or proper.  She shared that it really bothers her when her almost three year old daughter doesn’t want her hair combed especially before ballet class.  And then she shared something so important – life changing in fact! Claire told me that she said to her daughter something like, “but all of the other girls will have their hair in ponytails for class” and Claire identified that she was already using peer pressure to convince her child to comb her hair.  This may not seem like that big of a deal but it made me reflect on my conversations with my children and how I also use peer pressure and fitting in to convince them of how they should act, dress,  or look.

Becoming cognisant of this has been difficult.  I feel horrible for having used this to convince Zoe or Selah to do what I want them to do.  I know that my motive is to have them fit in so they don’t feel like the odd one out – but if they do, there is a greater lesson in life to learn then just to fit in. I also realise that I am guilty of asking them what their friends or peers thought about their show and tell or their new clothes before asking my child how she felt about it.  I am setting them up for always wanting to fit in and do what others want them too.  I am not sure why I started doing this or even how.  When I think about my children I really want them to be strong, unique, and authentic individuals.  I desire them to be true to themselves and their gifts.  I want them to be confident in sharing their feelings and thoughts without worrying about what everyone else thinks.  This is especially important with my oldest daughter as we already see she seeks affirmation and wants to please others.

Since this sobering realization I have been trying something different.  This week was Zoe’s birthday party and after her friends left I wanted to ask her if she thought her friends had fun but instead I asked her about her feelings.  This really opened up the conversation.  She shared favorites and dislikes and some struggles.  And again today she brought cupcakes to kindergarten for her  birthday.   When I collected her from school I was careful to ask her about her thoughts and feelings about the morning.  I totally abstained from asking what her friends thought about her cupcakes and new birthday shoes.

I am so grateful that I had this discussion with Claire and realized this early on.  I can see this morphing into something awful as Zoe and Selah grow if I don’t change this now.  They will have enough peer pressure from their peers as they continue on their journey. And so this is a confession of struggling through and learning as I go; praying that God will give me an open and teachable heart and protect my children from my mistakes.